So, the last few days have been a little better. Sorry for such a depressing post on Tuesday. I have actually been thinking a lot about all of the crying. You see, I'm not usually a cryer (if that's even a word).
I see a lot of me in Leah these days when she gets in trouble. Her little lip will start to quiver like she's going to cry and then you will see her face harden with resolve like, "heck, if I'm going to give you the satisfaction of seeing me cry." Maybe it's not the healthiest thing to hold it all in but I have to admire the attempt to be strong (side note: strong is a nice word for stubborn as a mule).
I am the same way. Not only do I not want to let people see me cry but I feel like I just don't have time for it. What is the point in wasting precious time just crying? Embarassingly, I admit to actually being irritated by people crying at times. The bad thing about that kind of outlook on things is that you can only hold it all in and be strong for so long. And then...the dam breaks. Not to mention, you come across as being pretty cold hearted.
I also really hate how in most movies, women look so pretty when they cry. Their make-up doesn't run and they just have a few single tears that stream down their faces. That is not reality folks. When, I cry I look like a 2 year old melting down 3 hours past nap time. My face gets all distorted with red splotches, Snot drips from my nose and when I speak it sounds more like I'm speaking whale than the english language.
I remember how embarrased I was the first time I cried in front of Josh because, well....it just was not pretty. I always thought that I was the only one with this kind of cry. I have since discovered that most people suffer from the ugly cry.
Hehe. I might get in trouble for this thought, but...I used to think to myself, I hope when I get married one day that my husband feels like he can cry in front of me. I had this romantic view of how it would all go down. He would lay his head on my shoulder, shed a few gentle tears as I lovingly rubbed his back and told him everything was going to be okay.
One night when Josh decided to take a stand by defending someone from gossip even though it meant walking out on some great friends, it actually happened....only not quite like I pictured it. Instead of me being the sympathetic wife that I pictured myself being, I actually found myself holding in laughter as I was unprepared for his ugly cry.
Now, this urge to laugh was not because I wanted to make fun of him or brush off his pain but more like an urge to laugh from joy and relief that I wasn't the only one that looked this rediculous when crying. Yes, my heart broke for him in that moment. Of course I did not laugh in his face. But inside, I was really battling. Sorry honey. Just keeping it real.
Geez...I think I did it again. Okay, I promise to come up with something really peppy and cheery for my next post. Aaaahh... the pressure.
Oh...and how about you? Are any of you ugly cryers? Come on, show some love and remind me that I'm not the only one (and Josh too) hehe. :)